The Opening scene – Part 1&2 of chapter 1 – (February 6. 2012)
She wakes up in fright then realizes it was not a dream. Upon looking in the mirror she sees that she is adorned in a white dress. She can feel her heartbeat, tight, racing.
A sudden knock sounds on the door. It is her brother, come to tell her it is time. She walks with fear and finds herself surrounded by the whole family and strangers. She could see the Jewish wedding tent from afar. Tears begin to fill her eyes. She’s confused and thought she wanted it so much but suddenly realizes that many doubts are present. Hand squeeze her hands hard. She turns and sees him smile, the one with whom she is to marry and live happily with until the end of her life.
Broken glass, ring on her finger, and now she is a married woman.
Loud music plays and she dances amongst the people, seeking to drink as much alcohol as she can. She drinks and tears are replaced with the laughter of drunkenness. Tomorrow brings the unknown.
“I don’t want to go mad! I don’t want to lose control!” she repeats to herself when her eyes open.
A huge headache, the smell of alcohol, and a gold ring are the only leftovers from the night before. He remains sleeping and looks but a stranger to her.
The days went by. She had so many dreams, desires and fantasies that she was ready to fulfill with him. She was confused but willing to do anything for love. Events began to play on her feelings. She did not know how to love herself. This made her fearful but she expected to learn how to achieve this from him.
At 23, she had great desire for love. She was ready to love him, she was ready to love herself but she needed help.
Days passed and his silence began to torment her. She tried everything to awaken and make reciprocate including waiting for him the sexiest outfit and the sexiest pose, but he was simply indifferent.
Nights of crying quietly became ever more frequent and there were days when she had said “love me” as if she had to beg him to love her. However, he just walked away and was as cold as ice.
To be continued …
The leaving – Part 1 (April 13. 2012)
That’s it, she has a ticket. He bought her the ticket, perhaps because he wanted her out of his life. For nearly a year, she had felt so unhappy with him. She desperately wanted to love and maybe did not know how to ask for it. In the mirror she looks at herself and sees a fat woman who is 30 pounds more than on her wedding day. She ate so much food, or maybe the food ate her.
The flight ticket made her realize that there was no going back. With severe anxiety she quickly walks to the counter at the airport. She has no idea what will happen next but knows she must move on and that things cannot get much worse.
The time taken to get from the entrance of the airport to the duty free has escaped her but she is there. The first time she sees the shopping complex, she wanted to vomit. Her sweat is full of angst. And now, now it’s getting late and she’s almost on the plane. She enters the bathroom and throws up, sweating profusely, crying hysterically.
She flew with no money, but she had a few spare coins and thought maybe to call him.
He’s still her husband, and maybe he would stop her from flying, and tell her, come back, let’s talk, I love you. She had already plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and call. She heard his voice but also that of a woman’s in the background. It destroyed her. Hanging up the call quickly, she realized there was definitely no return.
She began to cry again in the cubicle and so wanted a hug. She flew to him now, the virtual man who was maybe there waiting for her with an embrace she so needed. It was so important to her what her family thought, but she had no family support. They did not say much nor were they there for her. The loneliness was absolute.
She got on the plane, at midnight and realized it was her birthday. Already 25 years old. The flight attendant offered a drink but she replied that she did not want anything. She sits with her fingers crossed and finds it hard to breathe, hard to move. She is extremely anxious, extremely afraid. After many hours, she is a little relieved when she is able to get off the plane. She goes to the bathroom and applies lipstick so as to look good for him. It’s hard for her to feel good. She put on her jeans which feel so large and heavy and knows she is a big-bodied woman. How will the virtual guy feel upon seeing her?
She goes out of reception with a cart and huge bag. She looks around for him and suddenly sees a short man. Or maybe because she felt so big, everybody looked smaller. With a half smile she walks towards him. There is an overwhelming smell of cigarettes coming from him and he has a huge, bushy and long mustache. She knew he had a mustache but in the real world she thought he would look better. No hug or maybe there was, she did not remember.
They go from the airport and in her mind she hangs on to the thought that it is surely impossible that things can get any worse.